So, this was the last mixtape I made, almost a month ago. It’s not like I stopped making them for a particular reason. As a matter of fact, I’m currently working on a collaboration mix with one of the loveliest girls I know and just this morning another dear friend asked me if I would make her one. I said yes, I always say yes. I also agreed to sew something for another friend. You should know, I love making things for people. Back to the point. I made this mix a month ago, for absolutely no reason, but for a specific person. I never found out whether he liked it or not, mostly because I didn’t want to ask about it. I avoided the topic entirely all because of an article I read that said asking people whether they like the mix you made them is rude. Everyone in the comments agreed, so I stopped asking. I need to stop doing things just because other people determine what’s right or wrong, clearly. I think I would’ve liked to know.
I love it though. I think of all the mixes I made, this was one of my very favorites. I love the name of it and the song it belongs to. I love that it’s mostly a lyric-centered mixtape because I’ve always believed that what makes a song good is not so much the sound, or the actual music, but rather the lyrics. It’s mostly acoustic, indie folk though, if you wanted to know. It has some electro pop in there and indie rock too, but it’s not quite so loud. It’s very subdued. Here’s the Tracklist:
and here’s the actual mix for you to listen to.
and the rest of the story…
(Saturday, March 29) Ten days later, I can honestly say I think I’m getting better at being happy. I mean just a half hour ago I was all mopey and blue, but before that I was dancing around the kitchen and last night was incredibly fun. So really, it hasn’t been perfect but I’ve had less really bad days, more adventures, and now that I’ve been making the lists again, I think I’m noticing more of the little moments that make every day wonderful. This morning, someone asked me what I thought of this year so far and I told her this school year has been better than any of my previous ones by far and that if they were talking about 2014 rather than the school year it, too, has been absolutely perfect. So I’ll tell you about the last ten days but I won’t go into too much detail.
Day 21) you know, I don’t remember this day very well but according to my list I listened to Born and Raised in its entirety during second period and I love that album, so that must have been lovely. Also, listening to Noah and The Whales and Maggie Eckford while I studied at night was really relaxing. And there was a lovely text conversation with Anne that made my day.
Day 22) I wore my hat and I got really sweet compliments from a few lovely girls and even now I feel so nice thinking about that. Also, a conversation I had with Kaitlyn. Drawing on Connor’s survey in ap psych. That class was just funny that day. Then the volunteer luncheon was fun and I got really excited about the wild rice. And the cake. Always the cake. And I finished reading The Last Tycoon and took a nap.
Day 23) The first day of Spring!! I was so happy about that I wore a floral shirt and light pink lipstick, and I listened to The First Days of Spring by Noah and the Whales during second and third period. The light fixture was in my picture because this one guy said the funniest thing about it and I swear I spent the rest of the day laughing about it. I don’t even know that guy. And watching Grey’s was fun too.
Day 24) this was the first Friday in a long time that I didn’t have plans from the minute I got home until the middle of the night, and that was actually kind of nice. I spent the night writing and listening to beautiful music. I only stopped to go shopping with my mom and then go to Mr. Orem.
Day 25) one of my favorite days. Sarah and I went on a spontaneous adventure that involved hiking and window shopping and painting rocks. And chalk-dyeing our hair. It was perfect and I think it needs to happen again. That night I had a fruit tart and it was heavenly and really late at night, you would have found me in the middle of the cat food aisle, holding a twenty pound bag at the grocery store, in a pretty dress and stilettos. What a sight it must have been, even I’d laugh.
Day 26) I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve made crepes and never once have I screwed up. Therefore, if there’s one food I’ll recommend anyone to learn how to make if they claim they can’t even fry an egg, it’s crepes. They were flawless. mine had nutella and whipped cream and strawberries.
Day 27) This day was refreshing. I had spent so much time trying to get out of my house these last few weeks that I forgot how peaceful it feels to be home alone, sitting in my room at 9pm with a movie on and I’m in my comfiest leggings and my favorite oversized sweatshirt. I worked out that day. I also watched The Breakfast Club and I made art history flashcards. Perfect, perfect, day.
Day 28) Another adventure. This time with Kaitlyn! The funny thing is, this day started out very embarrassing and seemingly horrible, but then after the adventure it was as if everything else didn’t matter anymore. My favorite thing was when we were hiking and I told her everything. And we just talked. My second favorite thing was the lemon water with maple syrup. But really, everything about it was perfect.
Day 29) The morning was kind of rough as A-days tend to be, but then at lunch I had such quality conversations with Wendy and Leslie that my day just kind of got better, but the best part of the day was after school when I saw the new cat shirt on Soel’s instagram and I knew I had to get it, so I went to get it on a whim and it was perfect.
Day 30) Adventure #3 in the ten-day span. Connor told me he was sick, so I asked Kait if she wanted to make cookies for him with me. And neither of us had made samoas before but it sounded fun, so we did. And even though I burned the caramel and messed up the chocolate and the original cookie dough didn’t work, they ended up being flawless. I especially loved when we went to the grocery store and left in record time. Three minutes. And she didn’t even miss her yoga class.
And now I’m on Day 35 and I already have more stories I’m excited to tell you, more adventures to write about, and more pictures to share. I hope your weekend was lovely and I hope this week will be absolutely perfect for you!
My lack of enough hours of sleep finally caught up to me and all day today I’ve been nodding off in weird places, at weird times. First I slept through all of first period, not even waking up at the sound of the bell. Then it was in another class, and in the afternoon, and just barely I woke up from a five minute nap I took unexpectedly at my desk, in front of my laptop. I promised a blog post though, so here you go. This is about Spring Fling, mostly about the asking process.
Three weeks ago, I was walking across the parking lot at Orem High, having just come back from lunch at Kneaders with a friend of mine when she suggested that I ask KJ to Spring Fling, just out of the blue. I didn’t question it and I nonchalantly answered, “yeah, sure.” The next day I was told I should ask the exact same person by another friend. I decided if two of my good friends genuinely believed I should, and I didn’t really know who to ask, but I knew I wanted to go, I should just follow their advice. And so I did. Plus I’ve known him for years and he’s never stopped being hilarious. I have fond memories involving him when we were in the sixth grade and also from psych this year, so there’s that.
Sarah deserves credit for helping me out with the delivering process and for encouraging me to get the asking out of the way a week after my decision. This has actually been one of the few rare occasions when I haven’t had a stressful time asking someone to a dance. I just did this on a whim. I didn’t have an idea for how I wanted it to look, I just saw a pin that said something about “Soda-lighted” and I thought it was clever, so I went in search for glass soda bottles because they’re adorable and I thought a ribbon might be nice around the package and it was just a stroke of luck that I still had some of that black and white polka dot washi tape to frame the edges of the note, which I glued on. And I made that bow on it too.
It was put together in about an hour and at like 5pm, a definite improvement from my usual “I feel like asking so and so” decisions at 1am and then starting the package and pulling an almost-all-nighter to get the task done before I change my mind. That’s happened too many times. Of course this would be my last time doing something like this, seeing as this is the last girl’s choice dance and I’m a senior, plus I find it a bit doubtful that I’ll get asked to prom.
And then the Wednesday after Sarah took me to his house and I left it. So that was fun!
and three days later he answered, like this and I had been having a crummy day, so that was definitely one of the day’s highlights. And now the actual dance is in exactly one week and I still haven’t talked to KJ since asking him, but that’s not really on purpose, I just haven’t run into him and that one time I probably should’ve and could’ve have talked to him in English I just didn’t feel like talking. I just wasn’t thinking about the dance. I don’t know. I’ll talk to him Monday though, I promise. I’m way excited for next Friday!
Have a lovely weekend.
At this point I’ve lost track of who I told about the 100 happy days challenge which is why I always start telling people what made me happy that day or the day before and every once in a while I get a funny look and a series of questions. I should work on telling more people about my life, I guess. Now, you should know, I’ve never been much of a positive thinker. To be completely honest with you, I’ve always been a natural pessimist, constantly assuming the worst and imaging the unlikely, depressing outcomes of situations. Lately, however, I’ve made it a priority to notice the little happy moments in everyday life and using that to make me realize just how much there is to appreciate. The past twenty two days have been an adventure and frankly, they’ve been confusing and weird and not always as positive as I would have liked them to be. With that said, I wanted to show you a recap of the first 20 days of the challenge. Maybe then you’ll want to try it too. I promise it’s worth a shot, at least so far it is. And I also wanted to introduce this a series on this blog, like I’m thinking every ten days I’ll post a recap of the pictures and some of things I wrote on my daily happy moments lists that I’ve decided to keep, even though that’s not really part of the challenge. They’ll all go clockwise, by the way. And Day 1 has two pictures.
D A Y S 1 - 3:
Day 1) It was flawless, this day. I remember perfectly just how happy I was at the end of the day and the huge fear I had that it was only perfect because it was the first day and I had built it up so much and prepped for it and everything. Favorite moments: having time to braid my hair in the morning, bringing cookies to psych, getting smoothies with Josie, wearing my new plaid shirt, picnic with Wendy + Ashley + Leslie.
Day 2) this day was significantly harder for me since nothing really went how I would have liked at all, but somehow I still had a good day. I look back on it fondly, even though I nearly froze to death. Favorite moments: going on an adventure to get a spoon with Sarah in study hall, making chicken alfredo, listening to love songs while doing psych homework, buying new workout clothes, taking a shower in complete darkness (I highly suggest it, it was actually really fun and scary, but thrilling), writing a tracklist for a mixtape I still haven’t posted about.
Day 3) This day also didn’t go as planned, but it ended up being lovely. Highlights: telling a girl I think her hat is pretty at school and her cute reaction, laughing so hard over something in psych but I don’t remember what, labeling stuff at the gift shop with She & Him songs playing in the background, dinner alone, texting my sister a stupid lyric and giggling over that, watching Grey’s while making mixtape covers
D A Y S 4 - 7:
Day 4) Serendipitous and blissful day. Favorite moments: waking up to a text from Sarah, going to yoga with Sarah and Jessica, when Leslie texted me a fascinating video, finding this really cool blog, late night conversation with a lovely person, crepes with my mom and sister at 9:30pm and the drive back with my mom jamming to Imagine Dragons because she really likes them. Watching Charlie St. Cloud with my mom.
Day 5) Straight to the list: listening to Noah Gundersen all day, painting mixtape covers at midnight, embroidering paper at 1am, eating a mini fruit tart that Michael brought, drawing mandalas for a solid hour, the perfect weather
Day 6) my last minute decision to still go to the basketball game even though I had almost definitely decided I wasn’t going even though I had a ticket, everything about that. That was my second favorite day that week. An example of a specific favorite moment was Kaitlyn’s comment about my socks. then fashion board meeting was fun too, especially styling the outfits, also writing at 2am.
Day 7) wearing my hair in a crown of braids (milkmaid braids, I guess?), finishing all the mixtapes, skipping school that day and sleeping in, watching New Girl
D A Y S 8 - 11:
Day 8) I stopped writing lists for a while starting this day. My favorite moment, however, was in study hall when Sarah and I realized that at one point we had liked the same boy at the same time and then talking about that and current crushes. Fun times. oh dear. We think the same, you should know. Also, ranting via text to a good friend of mine about not being at the game and then I had fun asking KJ to Spring Fling with the other Sarah’s help. She’s a gem, that girl. I love her.
Day 9) I loved, loved the rain that day, especially how it looks when it hits the ground or when driving. Also, I watched Grey’s so that made for a perfect day.
Day 10) This was the second best weekday that week. It would have been the best but I was unreasonably tired and there were no seats on the frontrunner, but it was still completely worth it and fun. Highlights: just being there and all the school spirit, and everything. It felt like I always hoped high school would feel like when I was like 8.
Day 11) The best day of the entire week. Favorite moments: serendipitously deciding to go to the game (again) and going with Anne and Nicole and Brianna. Getting cookies after, listening to quality music, all their sweet compliments, the craziness, driving around, eating on the steps of the capitol building, dancing with them (even though I was being awkward), steering the wheel for Anne on the freeway while she did her hair, ice cream with my family later.
D A Y S 12 - 15:
I can’t even believe this was that long ago. Still no lists and very few journal entries, so all I really had was pictures.
Day 12) reading for hours and actually enjoying it this time, a rarity during the school year.
Day 13) No school, having lunch at Zupas with my sister, texting people all day, watching The Bachlor, KJ answering.
Day 14) This day was tough for me, so very tough. Sarah being willing to listen to me was the only thing that made things better than they would have been had I just freaked out by myself.
Day 15) In an effort to lift my spirit I started pilates again and it felt so good and I was so sore the next day but it was worth it and so fun.
D A Y S 16 - 19:
Day 16) finally making a bit of a decision, the fact that Mitch brought cookies to AP Psych, acing a psych test for the first time since the 2nd test we took in the beginning of the year, getting quotes for an article because I was forced but it was weirdly fun, making salad dressing and dancing around the kitchen with quality music blasting + avocado in my salad
Day 17) getting lunch at Waffle Love with my sister, switching groups in foods and laughing at the weirdly hilarious comments of one kid in my group, going to Soel boutique at night with my sister and getting pretty clothes
Day 18) lists are back! highlights: making headbands with Rachel, Jenni, Sarah, and Emily. Then getting Kneaders and laughing with them. The amazing banana bread at Kneaders + the flawless smoothies, a two- hour nap after, reading Fitzgerald, baking a cake with my mom, looking at Pinterest
Day 19) accidentally sleeping in til 10, making my mom a cute little card + letter for her birthday, listening to Vampire Weekend while I studied for the psych test, eating easter candy from my stash, the flawless summery weather, impromptu baking for my psych class because I remembered it was St Patrick’s the next day, eating cake.
D A Y 20:
Day 20: the day I stopped actively worrying about something really trivial and pointless. highlights: bringing the cookies to psych and people saying nice things and eating all the cookies, free extra credit in psych, the funny lovely people in that class who never fail to make my day, lunch with Wendy and Leslie and Rachel and others too, unexpectedly running into Connor at Mountain View and the conversation on the drive back to my house, being home earlier than expected, going to a job interview that was super fun, pilates and the really cold post-workout shower, and looking at Pinterest.
I’ve been having a good week so far. I’m on day 23. I hope your week is as lovely as mine has been! Goodnight.
This post is going to be a sum of weird ramblings. I’m just not in the mood to write.
Anyway, sometime in December, like two weeks before Christmas break I was sitting in my government class people-watching (because what else is there to do in that class?) and there was this one girl who always wore really, really pretty ouftits and that particular day she was wearing an oversized tunic that had 3/4 sleeves and a peplum. I remember thinking it was so perfect. And since November I had been thinking I needed a Free People-esque oversized white shirt. I just added the two ideas together and halfway through government that day, I sketch a little tiny design of the white shirt I spontaneously decided I was going to make.
The next day I went and bought three yards of white knit without even really thinking about how I was going to make the pattern and somehow, in the span of a week and a half, I managed to make the shirt. It was a little bigger than I had anticipated, and the neckline a little wider than I had hoped it would be, but for something I made without really thinking, it’s really nice.
and now it’s actually one of my very favorite shirts because it’s so comfy and wide and soft. It’s especially great with leggings, but it’s so wide that when I wear it outside on a windy day it sort of feels like I’m not wearing a shirt and that’s slightly uncomfortable. ha. I don’t know why I even told you that. it’s like when I tell people I love leggings because it feels like I’m not wearing pants and they look at me funny. Oh god, I should stop.
So one of the most important parts of this top was the peplum. I first intended for the peplum to be high-low, but then I just made the back bodice lower and the front bodice shorter. Actually, I decided the front bodice would be barely grazing the top of my pants, kind of like a crop top but not quite. The back was supposed to be longer so that I could get away with wearing leggings + this top around people who don’t think leggings are pants. Making the pattern for the bodice was so fun, to be honest with you. It just made me so excited.
I also really wanted the peplum to be extra-gathered because once in the fall I saw a Free People shirt with a really gathered peplum and I fell in love with it. And then I didn’t hem it because Brenna said it looked fine without hemming and I finished this top literally the day before Christmas Break, so unless I sewed it at home there was no way I was going to have time. I’m glad I didn’t though. It would have been too bottom-heavy with a hem, and three months later it hasn’t frayed at all.
so there’s the back. sometimes I feel like I should have cinched it with elastic, but I didn’t. It still looks good without though. At one point I thought the shape wasn’t too figure flattering, but then I reevaluated my thinking and decided it didn’t matter anyway because I feel so comfortable in it. And then one time I wore it to school and a cute boy told me I looked pretty that day, so there’s that. I just really, really love the gathered peplum though.
And in case you haven’t noticed, there’s a pocket. I feel like it’s not really visible in the pictures, but it’s there, on the front. And it’s sort of crooked, but it was really hard to sew on so I kind of just did whatever and decided it wasn’t worth getting frustrated over. As for the neckline, it’s a boatneck but it’s too wide so sometimes one of the sleeves will slip off my shoulder and the neckline becomes an off-the-shoulder deal. It kind of naturally does that though. It’s like it doesn’t want to be a boatneck, but it looks cute like that too, so sometimes I’ll just let it do that.
and the sleeves are 3/4 and really fitted, because of that girl’s really pretty tunic and because I have a sweater from Urban Outfitters that’s really big and loose on the bodice, but the sleeves are really snug and I feel like that’s attractive because it doesn’t make my arms look fat. I figure it can’t be too oversized or else it would look like I just grabbed a giant t-shirt and put it on.
The photoshoot was one of the weirdest I’ve ever done. I went with my sister to the Riverwoods because she decided that would be a good place on a Sunday afternoon, and you would think it would be deserted, but no. There were couples doing engagement shoots everywhere. And if wasn’t the couples, it was families and people kept walking by gawking and it was so incredibly awkward for me. If you’ve gone out to eat with me, you probably know that I get embarrassed taking pictures of my food in public places, so you can imagine how weird it is for me to get my picture taken when people are walking by, especially when I’m supposed to be modeling. And I forgot that thin stripes don’t photograph well, so I’m terribly sorry about that.
Have a lovely Monday! Happy St. Patrick’s Day!!
Shirt: self-made / Pants: Free People / Headband/Bracelet: self-made / Shoes: Target / Earrings: J. Crew
To be completely honest with you, I feel like this year is a more intense version of last year, except with less naivety and an equal amount of stupid mistakes and learned lessons. The biggest difference, however, is the increase in the number of friendships I have made. Not just passing friendships, but actual quality friendships that I’ll definitely still remember in like twenty years. And if you’ve known me long enough you know that I’m the sort of girl who values friendship almost as much as family, if not equally and all these friendships, whether they’re new or old, mean the world to me. Friendships are interesting, they have so much to teach and so much to offer, but it’s never quite clear until time has passed and then you really know how that person made an impact on you.
I think I told you once that a couple weeks ago I wrote in my journal a list of everyone I remembered who taught me something I value from junior high til last year, no matter how seemingly meaningless it was at the time, and it was amazing to me to see how much I learned because of those people. Before I continue, I’ll be honest and tell you that I should have made this mix before I ever made this other mix. As a matter of fact, I maybe shouldn’t have made that other mix at all. I’ll explain after the tracklist. As for the sound, this mix is very upbeat.
you can listen to the mix here.
and for the rest of my musings + more pictures…
I know, I know I said I was going to blog about my experience with the 100 happy days challenge yesterday, but then I fell asleep at my desk at like 10:30 and I woke up at 11 and I couldn’t do anything more than curl up in bed and sleep. It’s been a rough couple of days because of my messed up sleep schedule. It’s like I’ll go to bed at 2:30ish most days and then all of a sudden I crash and all I feel like doing is sleeping for ages and then it’s like 9pm and I’m nodding off. I need to work on that. But that’s not what this post is about.
Actually, the lovely Anne Marie finally got that mixtape I promised I’d make her like a month ago. But there’s a reason I took so long. I’ll explain in a little bit. First you should know, I titled this mix California because it consists solely of songs that are either about or mention California in some way or another. They’re all very different, sound-wise, but I arranged them in a way that flows, I promise. It’s road trip music, I’d say. Here’s the tracklist:
you can listen to the mix here.
and now for the details and the rest of the pictures…
Usually, when I feel like I have all the time in the world to post things on this blog, there’s nothing for me to post. sometimes I feel like all it takes is my schedule to fill up for a lineup of content to spontaneously appear. I mean I had like two weeks of nothing to do, and then last week things started to get crazy and now there’s five folders on my desktop, each filled with pictures for upcoming posts and I feel like said folders will probably last me a good two or three weeks, if I even get around to editing the pictures and writing a decent blog post in the next couple of days. That would explain why I’m doing Make Art Monday two days after the fact and not on the usual Tuesday. I promise I’ll be better with that.
You should know, this Monday was insane for me. I spent all day running from place to place, adventure to adventure. When I got done with everything I needed nothing more than some time alone with my sketchbook and paint, with an acoustic playlist humming softly in the background. It couldn’t be a Monday without art. It just wasn’t happening. This week’s theme was Joy. I didn’t even know what to do with that. It’s such a broad theme. I wanted something that would genuinely make me happy, but I also wanted to be proactive so I set on making cd sleeves for the mixtapes I made three of my lovely friends this weekend. I figured if the theme was going to be joy, I might as well make other people happy too, besides one of these mixes was already completely done and another was halfway done. It was all very exciting. In particular, the mandala on the California mix meant a lot to me. I’ve taken to drawing those on everything lately, from my class notebooks to my sketchbook, and sometimes with pen on my skin. It’s strangely relaxing. I would say more, but I feel like I should save that for the mixes own posts.
I hope your week is wonderful. I’ll be back tomorrow to write about my experience with the 100 Happy Days challenge.
Since yesterday was Make Art Monday, that must make today Post Art Tuesday, or something like that. No? Well I tried. The thing is, I wasn’t going to break the rules and start working on the piece Sunday, just to have the piece ready for editing and posting on a Monday. That would defeat the purpose of the day. The whole point is to have a relaxing outlet on a stressful day, well that and it will help me find myself better. It goes with the confidence goal.. And it’s fun, of course.
I’m following along with Maps to Herself, by the way. I’m in love with her blog lately. Everything about creativity, spirituality, and self-discovery absolutely fascinates me. That’s why I like her blog so much. So this was actually her idea. The other day I read my horoscope and it said I needed to find a way to add art back into my life and live creatively and then I saw the Make Art Monday post on pinterest right after. It was fate, I’m telling you.
The theme was peace this week. So on Sunday night, I started brainstorming. I ended up drawing a series of patterns and thought fragments and I painted a little. Monday, in AP Psych, I felt inspired, so I took out my sketchbook and, after drawing a llama and a cactus and a series of funny-looking hearts and song lyrics in faux cursive, I wrote prose. Now, for me to share my personal writing on this blog is really rare. It’s vulnerable and frankly, a little scary. But for the sake of confidence, you get to read it.
Sunday afternoon with the sun streaming through my windows and my shoes off. New music on a Friday night and the knowledge that nothing really matters as much as it does now, to me, and that as long as I have people to rely on, everything will be okay. Peace is the color green, acrylic, and watered down with yellow and coral highlights, like an empty mind an open soul. Peace is found in a novel that whisks me away to a new land with new people to fall in love with. I’m in love with the idea of love and with the people around me and with human relations and knowledge, and art, but not another..
The actual piece reflected my ideas in some ways, but not in others. The words is a reflection of the faux cursive and song lyrics I was drawing in third period. The fortune cookie note is one I had saved up because I liked it and I got it when I really needed it. The doily is just pretty and feminine and the sketching around it was because I was listening to First Aid Kit and I loved how relaxing I felt, so I drew on until I felt like stopping and then I did. I’m rediscovering my love of art. And now I’ll be carrying my sketchbook everywhere I go.
Have a beautiful Tuesday!
(I should also add that I’m really sorry about the weird coloring of the pictures and the fact that the first and second pictures don’t match up, but that’s because I was editing at 12:30 and well, I’m tired and impatient. And I just made a ton of cookies for everyone I love tomorrow. So none of the pictures actually do the real piece any justice, but if I had to pick one, I’d say the second picture is most accurate, color-wise.)
If you were to ask me when I learned the most in my life, I would tell you about high school. I would tell you about the mistakes I made in junior year and how they affected my decisions towards the end of that year, but most importantly, I would tell you about the growth I’ve been experiencing this year because of that. It’s funny because this time last year, I wouldn’t have imagined things to turn out the way they are now. I’ve never been much of an optimist. But this post isn’t about the learning so much as it is about a particular flaw of mine.
I’m not very confident. It’s troublesome because this lack of confidence is what tends to keep me from becoming who I always wanted to be and who I aspire to be. Now the worst thing you could possibly tell me right now is that I shouldn’t say that because then people will think I’m fishing for compliments, but that’s stupid because I’m not. Dear god, everyone knows I never know what to say upon receiving compliments. Thank you? Okay? ARE YOU EVEN SERIOUS OR IS THIS A JOKE?? what do you even say. Back to the point. I think this issue began sometime in junior high, amidst all the unnecessary drama and all that mascara and people making a huge deal about the opposite sex and those gym shorts. seriously, that was when I realized I wasn’t good at talking to people, or maybe I just distanced myself so much I lost the ability to make friends. Now, I can genuinely say I’ve never had so many quality friends as I do now. Yet, there’s still those days when I just can’t talk to some of them. When I sit there, fumbling with my phone the entire time because I don’t know what to say and I can’t work up the courage to really say what I want to see, without even caring that just a while ago, we were having normal, friendly conversations. Yes, I’m talking about a specific person.
It seems like every time I tell myself it was “just another bad day” or that it’s their fault because they didn’t talk to me first and they probably don’t like me. Then the other night, I was up at 2am, halfway through a conversation when I realized that it’s all my fault. That if I let my negative attitude and over-thinking take over and I don’t talk to the people I want to talk to, it’s not their issue, it’s mine. I feel like recently, I’m slowly starting to lose a friendship I really valued because of my trading in the serendipitous conversations for expectations and self-induced pressure. In other words, I’m making it a point to work on my confidence (again) in an effort to make more friends and strengthen friendships, also to continue to learn and grow and take risks and mess up, and then get back up because that’s been my life for the past two years and I like the recklessness of it. It’s beautiful. If it wasn’t for that, I wouldn’t be so in love with everything about now.
I happen to be very into quotes lately, particularly the pretty ones on Pinterest, so I gathered some and used them in the photoshoot. I’ll explain.
1: It’s gonna be okay. You just have to tell yourself that. at least for me, I tend to think of every possible worst case scenario and it’s so bad that I’ll be thinking of something like calling my friend when they’re sick to let them know I’ll be hoping they’ll feel better and I end up panicking about it. I don’t even think about how minor it is or how good it should make me feel, it just spirals. Next thing you know I’m on the floor, staring at the ceiling and it’s only then that I realize it’s going to be okay. And I’m okay. I should probably think that sooner. But really, if there’s anything you need to talk about, I’m your girl. I like listening and reminding people that everything will be okay even if it sucks now, because no one was there to tell me that when I needed to be told a few years back. / 2. The best is yet to come. My junior year mantra. That quote kept me from breaking down so many times last year. There was that time in November when things got bad and I was hurt and I thought things couldn’t possibly be worse, but I found that quote and I told myself every day that even though I wasn’t fine, I was okay because the best time in my life hadn’t happened yet and I had that to look forward to. Read more about that here. /
4. I’m skipping to four because then three will be more relevant. Be brave enough to start a conversation that matters. Here’s the thing, when I don’t set expectations and I let things happen how they will, I end up having the best time. Those are the days when I act goofy and loud around everyone and when I end up having the best conversations. It’s just so hard always having thought that the best method of self-preservation is to act like I don’t care, because then no one can hurt me and then trying to put down all my walls and be myself. It seems impossible, almost. I saw this quote last week. I guess for me, the goal would be to be brave enough to talk to everyone about anything, because that’s when I’ll come across those conversations that mean the most to me. A few weeks ago, I had a conversation with a lovely girl in the library about society and it was so interesting that I still think about those weird facts. Now we’re going to a concert in May and if I hadn’t said hi to her that never would have happened. Weird, isn’t it? / 3. It never gets easier, you just get better. I’m relating that to conversation. Even with some of my closest friends, there’s times when I feel like it’s just so hard to tell them everything. That’s the product of rejection, last year, as stupid as that sounds. I just think that with everything, it takes practice and everything. When I first put the link to my blog on twitter, for example, I was so scared of what people would think. I’m not very confident in my artistic abilities sometimes, or my writing, hence the reason I didn’t always post personal details of my life on here. Lately, with all the kind comments I’ve received from the lovely folks as school, I’ve been slowly adding it in.
Then there’s that quote. Let me tell you a story. There was this boy I liked and I told myself that I needed to make a plan to get his number, because well I figured I wouldn’t have the guts to ask otherwise. And I couldn’t for two weeks straight. I would walk into class, having thought of what I would say and how I would say it and how he would react, and then I would sit there in silence. Or we’d talk about schoolwork and the mundane. The one day, as I was walking to the class we had together, I decided I would give up trying, that this was the day I wouldn’t talk to him on purpose, free of awkwardness. That glorious day we ended up having a conversation so hilarious and carefree that he put it in my phone himself. If it’s meant to happen it will. It’s the limitations and stress that we place on ourselves, and those expectations, and the “what ifs” that hold us back.
If you thought I could make a post without any music references you were kidding yourself. Oh Regina, with your catchy tunes and thought-provoking lyrics. Do you know what’s one of the weirdest/best lessons I learned as I senior? That those cool kids everyone always gossips about, those kids I used to wish I hung out with, they think of themselves the same way I think of myself. Awkward, bad at talking to boys, not pretty enough, etc. It’s funny because we build people up all the time and we’re all actually pretty dang similar. We can all relate if we sit and talk. I used to think I wasn’t cool enough to hang out with some of the best people I’ve befriended this year. It’s just hard to remember that we’re all human and we’re all afraid of the same things and we’re all just as self-conscious and just as nervous about everyone else.
and there’s one I didn’t include in the photo shoot, but I actually really, REALLY love. Stop making excuses and just do things. If we’ve had a heart to heart in the last month or so, you’re probably sick of hearing me talk about this quote. It’s the reason for a lot of things. It’s the reason I went to that free show in park city last month. The reason I’ll let anyone come over when they want to unless I have something really important. The reason I make it a point to spend time with my friends at least three times a week. The reason I started making mixtapes for people I care about. The reason I called my friends on the phone despite the panicking and the fast heartbeats. It’s why I’ve been happier lately. When I doubt myself, lately I’ve turned to that quote. And along with that, I’ve started taking Taylor’s advice of giving everyone the benefit of the doubt unless they establish that they’re playing games with you/ intentionally trying to hurt you. It’s been so much better since then.
I think sometimes I’m just shy because I don’t want to disappoint anyone. Like when I hang out with some friends and I have to keep from saying “what the hell” or “oh my god” because they’d be scandalized, or when I dress a certain way because I’m with certain people. Or when I don’t tell my corny jokes because so and so would think it’s stupid. Other times I’m just scared. And other times it’s self-preservation, but you know that now. In an effort to amp up my confidence, I went and got something I had been pining for since sophomore year.
Meet the wide-brimmed, black felt hat. Okay, so I actually just wanted a black felt one since last year, but the floppy hat deal has been on my wishlist since sophomore year. It’s written down. I have proof. I would always try these on in stores and absolutely adore it but then the thought of what everyone else would say would scare me away and I’d run off. This time I was feeling confident, so I bought it on a whim. And then I wore it all night yesterday and all afternoon today.
It makes me feel like I can do whatever I want and it doesn’t even matter. Who even cares what everyone else thinks. So I’m wearing it to school tomorrow. I’m wearing it with a flannel and high-waisted jeans because I want to feel pretty, but I won’t stop at that. I’m going to make it a goal to talk to as many people as I can tomorrow. If I see someone I know, I’ll talk to them and maybe I’ll learn something about society or music or concerts or fashion or them. It doesn’t matter, I want to search for meaningful conversation. And I won’t set any rules and if I feel like it’s too much and i just can’t, then I won’t pressure myself. I’ll be okay. Tomorrow will be a good day. If my horoscope’s right, and it has been for the past couple of years, this whole week will be flawless. And it helps that tomorrow’s Make Art Monday and I finally got a new sketchbook.
my mantra for tomorrow? courage, dear heart. thanks for reading. I hope your weekend was lovely and that this week is perfect in every way for you.